A woman feeling guilty about her clutter who then has a weight lifted off her

Episode 4 – Why Do I Feel Guilty About Clutter?

Both Lesley and Ingrid have worked in hundreds of homes, where people often feel guilty about clutter, and this plays a big part in holding people back from success in decluttering their homes. In this podcast we discuss the reasons why people hold onto things and what they can do to shift the feeling of guilt.

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Transcript of this podcast episode

Intro  0:07  
Welcome to today's episode of The declutter hub podcast, your channel for super easy, no nonsense advice on how to declutter and organise your home. Please welcome your host, professional organisers, Ingrid Jansen, and Lesley Spellman.

Ingrid  0:28  
Hello, and welcome listeners to episode four of the declutter hub podcast. I'm Ingrid. And I'm Lesley, if you have clutter and want to short it out, this is to show for you. In today's episode, we're talking all about the guilt that is connected to decluttering. Both Lesley and I have worked in hundreds of homes, and we've realised that feeling guilty plays a big part in holding people back from their success. So Lesley, do you want to talk about some of your experiences where guilt has played a part?

Lesley  0:59  
I so wish that we could declutter guilt out of people's minds before we go in there really, it's such a big part and what holds people back in their decluttering journeys? I think. So first of all, even before we get into the decluttering side of it, we've got the guilt that people feel for lots of lots of different religious reasons, because their homes are a little bit more chaotic than they should be. Because their friend up the road is maybe got a perfect house, and they haven't and why haven't they because they've got the same three kids guilty about what they're doing. So children do is the partners, and people are sort of carrying that burden of guilt all the time. And it's really stopping people from moving forwards. I mean, I understand it, because who knows what's gone before and what's what's making that guilt part of someone's life. But it really is a big part of what people feel. And it's really holding people back.

Ingrid  1:52  
Yeah, I agree with you. And I think when we just by doing this podcast and talking about it, I think it's really helpful for our listeners to know that other people have got the same thing, and that they're not alone, and that it's understandable. And we're going to talk about some of the reasons why people feel guilt, but I agree with you, um, I've had a client who was feeling guilty because her son couldn't have anyone over to play because his bedroom was really, really messy. And she was so upset about it. And it was, yeah, it broke my heart, I really was so glad I could help her move forwards and, and let go of some of that kills. Because once you make a decision, you're going to do something about it. You're on the right, the right track already. That's half the battle one, isn't it?

Lesley  2:44  
I think that six I think that's why the declutter community, so good. And the Facebook group, because you realise that there's other people out there who are going through the same emotions as you are. Because other than that we spend our whole lives comparing ourselves to others. And so social media plays a big part in that now, you know, we're always looking at whether it's glossy magazines, or glossy Instagram or Pinterest posts, and seeing how perfect everybody else's homes are, and makes our own hearts think about how not perfect we are. And we feel guilty about that. And but you know, I think if we've got a community of people around us who feel the same are going through the same emotion. I think that's a big part of breaking through that and moving forward together.

Ingrid  3:25  
Yeah. And, yeah, yeah. I hope so. Yeah, I hope so too.

Lesley  3:31  
Because we need to, we absolutely need to get rid of that guilt, or some of it at least, you know, we're not going to do that overnight. But we need to get rid of that. So we can move forward into the actual decluttering, which is also going to bring more guilt with it isn't a guilty feeling. Yeah. And

Ingrid  3:45  
I think also, it's important for our listeners to know that, what we, that although we're both professional organisers, our job is not about making everything perfect.

Lesley  3:56  
No, and it's about understanding emotions. Yeah, it's about not judging people. It's about being empathetic, you know, we completely get it, that people have got that guilty feeling, and that they need to sort of drive through that to make steps forward. And that's, that's our job. Really, you know, we we're not just putting stuff into backbend bags. You know, we've been understanding. It's all about personalities, and people. That's what our job is all about. Yeah.

Ingrid  4:18  
Yeah. For sure, for sure. So what I encounter on a regular basis that people feel guilty because they've bought something really expensive, or they've bought something, and they haven't used it, they don't need it. They don't love it, but it's still in the house. But especially when it's been an expensive item. They feel really guilty. They're like, Oh, I can't I can't let it go because it was really expensive. And of course, one of the things you know, we can say to them as well, you know, charity shops need really good quality items as well, but it's not as simple as that. Is it Lesley?

Lesley  4:55  
No, I mean, we're all impulsive. We're all allowed to make mistakes. We've all had that impulse. See by, you know, I've still got your shoes and things that I think about from my past that I kept on my shelf as maybe six, seven years, even though they were seven inches high, and I couldn't even walk out the door in them. But I loved them so much. And they cost a lot of money, so I wasn't going to part with them. It's that kind of emotional, oh, I spent so much money on that. And I just can't, even though I know I'm never ever going to be able to wear them because that That ship has sailed from a seven inch heel sadly. But yeah, was it seven inches? Maybe not. But yeah, so I think you know, people are really, it's just perpetuating that guilt. Because every time you walk past or you see that pair of shoes that is making you feel guilty, you feel guilty, again, even more guilty. So you know, it's better to just offload them and let the guilt go. Because the mistake was made at the time that it was bought,

Ingrid  5:51  
you're not going to get your money back. No, you know, you're never going to get the amount of money back, you paid for it. If it was 20 pounds, 200 pounds or 500 pounds, something that you've bought in the past, we'll never get that you'll never get that money back. So indeed, if you open your wardrobe doors, and every time you see that dress, or that pair of shoes, or that necklace that you spent time and money on, you're not going to feel different, it's only going to get worse, the more you see it and the more it's kind of rubbed into you that oh, yeah, that was a mistake, or I shouldn't have thought that it was such a waste of money. And I think when you clear out those items, you're going to feel better because you actually going to see the stuff you do enjoy, you do where you do like and you don't have to feel that guilt all the time anymore.

Lesley  6:37  
Yeah. And I think a big part of that is sending stuff to somebody that will get use out of it. Yeah. Charity, or, you know, a loved one, as long as it's somebody that wants something from you. You're not just passing on your guilt to somebody else. But I think that plays a big part of alleviating your own guilt. If you know that it's going to good home, then that makes you feel better about it. Yeah,

Ingrid  6:59  
yeah. Sure. Another thing I hear on a regular basis that people say to me, Ingrid, I can't give that away, or I can't throw it away or anything like that. Because a loved one gave it to me or a friend gave it to me. And I feel really guilty that it's no longer in my house. And I don't really like it, but I can't let it go.

Lesley  7:21  
It's almost as if there's an expectation that that person is going to come and rifle through your drawers and find the necklace that they gave you five Christmases ago, isn't it? And for the most part, you know, our head says that's not going to happen. Yeah. But equally there are, there are people in our lives who would do that, and are quite demanding. And we all know who they are. And we need to know that and you need to only we can't answer that for you. Because only you know that personality in that relationship that you've got with that person. But for the most part, people give a gift because they want to, they want you to enjoy it. And if you don't therefore enjoy it, many people would be quite happy that you've passed it on to somebody else, particularly in this day and age. You know, I think we're moving on, aren't we a little bit with our gifting, ideas of gifting. And it's all much more about experiences and things like that. So yeah, it's a tough one. And you know, it's one that I've really not found the right answer to, because it's not cut and dried at all, you know, gifts are given? What do we do with them? If we don't want them? You know, for me, they should go to the charity shop. And I would regularly do that if I wasn't going to use it. But that's because I know that the people that gave them to me would probably be fine with that, too.

Ingrid  8:33  
Yeah, yeah. I think it's true. I mean, I had a somebody I knew, via my networking, who said, Ingrid, I've got loads of gifts for my wedding. And they're still unused. I will get married 14 years ago, and I still never used them. And they're on the top of my kitchen cupboards. And every time I look at them, I think, oh, gosh, has it been that long since it's been there? And she gets confronted by it all the time. And I actually said, If you don't love it, and don't use it, they've they've given to you out of love.

Lesley  9:03  
Yeah, where you've got that crossover, haven't you between sentiment and guilt. So you've got sentimental emotion attached with your wedding, and you want to keep and covet everything to do with that, and you don't want to let that memory go. But that, you know, gravy boat isn't necessarily going to bring that emotion back to you. It's gonna be the people that were there and so on, and the actual event, but it is tough. You know, getting through the guilt is not easy, you know? And if we knew a magic answer, it would be great. But we can only encourage and support you to make the right decision for you so that you can move forward in your decluttering journey. We don't want this to hold you back from getting to where you want to be.

Ingrid  9:39  
Yeah. That's absolutely a really valid point that you're making here. And, and it's the same as well with items that are that come into people's lives because their their family members have been bereaved and at the time, it's so difficult to make that decision about what stay Hang on what's going and that they hold on to a lot more things they originally were planning to. And now they are confronted with a house full of items that they have kind of ended up in their home. But it's so hard when it's from your loved one.

Lesley  10:15  
I think, you know, quite often, you know, sadly, if let's say that it was parents died, and then you have to go and clear out their house. And at that time, that very emotional time, you can't bring yourself to throw that stuff away. So what you then bring back to the house is boxes and boxes of things, that you then struggle to deal with a top, I'm going to live for quite a while. And then it's going to be several months later, I think, what I what I would say about bereavement is take it at your own pace, everyone is different. And you know, I've got people who are happy to deal with that within a couple of weeks equally, I've got people who can't revisit that for 20 years. And so, you know, it very much depends on the person, and how you feel about that many people have got a phased approach. So sometimes with every passing year, they're willing to get rid of a little bit more of the stuff that's left behind. And

Ingrid  11:12  
I think it's also important to recognise that and to realise for yourself, that the love for the people that have have died in a faster way, is not in their stuff. They they will forever live on in your head and in your heart. And it's definitely good to keep you know, some things that are important for you about them. But you don't need to keep hold off to full dinner sets 25 boxes of photos, another three boxes full of other random things, find the things that are important to you. And then you remember them by

Lesley  11:53  
I think that's a really important point, actually, it's that delineation isn't it between your memories of them and their memories. Because quite often people are keeping their memories that don't actually mean anything to you because you weren't part of that memory. So, but it is important. Of course, if you, you know, if somebody wore a hat that made it and it takes you back to a very special place in your childhood. Of course, that's the kind of thing that you should be keeping. But what we can't do is keep that keep so much stuff that is stopping us from moving forward with our own lives, because we're holding on to memories of someone in the past. Yeah, yeah. It's difficult one. Yeah, really difficult. And again, you know, there's no real set in stone answer for this, because we're all individuals, and we're all going to take it at our own pace. Yeah.

Ingrid  12:37  
Yeah, I think so I think you're completely right. And I'm really glad we had a chance to talk to our listeners today about this, because our whole approach to decluttering and organising is very positive and moving forward, but also to talk about these things. So hopefully, you realise that you're not alone. And that that is very common. And that is there's, it's not a bad thing, to feel guilty, but to think about what can I do to move forward? And how can I work on making the right decisions and actually declutter some of the skills that's holding me back in moving forward in my own life and enjoy my own experiences.

Lesley  13:19  
I think it's really important to reflect on the past and to understand what's got you to this place, whether it's a series of events or traumas even, they've gotten to this place, but the most important thing is to reflect on that but to have a positive approach going forward and to try and move forwards in a positive direction to a home that you're going to want to be in and to enjoy b&m.

Ingrid  13:43  
Yeah. Well, that's it for this episode, listeners. We hope you've enjoyed listening and are ready to let go of the guilt that has been holding you back. So listeners what kind of guilt can you declutter today from your thoughts to make you're ready to move forwards? Thanks for taking the time to listen today. If you'd like to get more tips and advice, follow us on social media. And if you don't want to miss the next episode, subscribe to the declutter head podcast. See you next time.

Intro  14:12  
Thanks for listening to this week's episode of The declutter hub podcast. Check out declutter hub.com For more inspiration, and don't forget to tune in next week.

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For more advice on guilt and decluttering, check out our blog post below...

I FEEL SO GUILTY ABOUT MY CLUTTER

Amassing clutter brings with it a huge range of emotions but the main one we come across time and time again is the guilt.

Guilty because your family are living in chaos, guilty because your friends have busy lives too and they have tidy homes, guilty because that bank statement is proof of how much money has been wasted on retail therapy, guilty because your home is full of gifts you have been given that you will never use, and on and on. The guilt can be overwhelming.

But how can we stop this feeling of overwhelm?

But overcoming that guilt can be tough. There are emotions and doubts standing in your way.

Why am I so bad at keeping my house in order when everyone else manages so well?

I spent so much money on it. It seems so wasteful to just get rid of it?

If I give it to my sister or my friend it will make me feel so much better

What if I do all this decluttering and then I go back to square one?

What if the person who gave it to me finds out I threw it away? They'll think I'm so ungrateful.

What if I throw it away then find out I need it one day?

Draw a line and move forward in your journey. Don't let guilt hold you back.

Whilst it is important to understand the psychology that has led you to hold on and amass clutter, the vital part of the decluttering process is drawing a line under things and moving forward with the determination and drive to make your home and life a better place to be.

Once you make the decision to start your declutter that day is a day to be celebrated and a process which, however difficult initially, ultimately will be enjoyed.

The amount you spent on the item, the lack of use so far, the fact that someone special gave it to you is less important than your own ability to take control of your life going forwards. You have control of what stays and what goes. The important thing is to learn to let go of the items holding you back from your decluttering goals.

Once you learn to let go of the emotions and gain more clarity in terms of what items truly deserve a space in your home, then you can learn to love your home and live in an organised and peaceful space.

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C says:

19 August 2021 at 8:06 PM

It's episode 139 not episode four?

Reply
1. Lesley Spellman says:
  
  19 August 2021 at 8:15 PM
  
  Thanks for letting us know – we will get that changed over
  
  Reply

Episode 4 – Why Do I Feel Guilty About Clutter?

I FEEL SO GUILTY ABOUT MY CLUTTER

But how can we stop this feeling of overwhelm?

Draw a line and move forward in your journey. Don't let guilt hold you back.

Episode 322 – How to avoid Black Friday shopping Don’t Buy Ask Why

Episode 321 – The secrets of organisation when you have ADHD with Ian Anderson Gray

Episode 320 – What is clutter blindness and how to fix it?

Episode 319 – Katie Mortram from Good Housekeeping chats all things clutter

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