A graphic of a happy couple having lightbulb moments about decluttering and getting family members on board
Episode 142 – Getting your family onboard with decluttering

In this episode, we are giving some suggestions about how to get your family onboard with decluttering, which can often be a very fustrating thing. It is important to remember that just because you’ve seen the light, doesn’t mean everybody else will.
Episode 425 – Say Goodbye to the Maybe Piles
Episode 424 – Raising Kids who get Decluttering with Inner Hub member Kate
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Transcript of this podcast episode
Intro  0:07  
Welcome to today's episode of The declutter hope podcast, your channel for super easy, no nonsense advice on how to declutter and organise your home. Please welcome your hosts professional organisers, Ingrid Jansen and Lesley Spellman.

Ingrid  0:32  
Hello, and welcome listeners to Episode 142 of the Declutter Hub Podcast.

Lesley  0:37  
I'm Ingrid. And I'm Lesley.

Ingrid  0:39  
If you have clutter and want to sort it out, this is the show for you. Now, in today's episode, Lesley and I are talking about how to get your family on board with decluttering. But before we dive in, we wanted to remind our listeners, we are doing our managing mementos masterclass, next week on Thursday, the 24th of June, you can still sign up and join us for this fabulous master class. Just go to declutter hub.com, forward slash mmm, and sign up and make sure you're there.

Lesley  1:13  
No, an easy topic is Ingrid, how to get your family on board with decluttering? It's like that age old question really isn't? Like, definitely something that people struggle with generally, isn't it? I think actually, it's one of the things and when people join our Facebook group, we ask a question about what your biggest struggle is with decluttering. And that is quite often high on the list, isn't it?

Ingrid  1:37  
I know, one of the life's biggest frustrations I'm all ready to declutter, but nobody else in my house is actually on the same path with me. They're all still making a mess. And there's me trying to change my life. And how do I get people on board here?

Lesley  1:53  
Now, before we get started, we're going to put a disclaimer in saying we can't mediate in families and fix things, unfortunately. But we are going to try and give you our words of wisdom to help you along the way with your family.

Ingrid  2:08  
Yes, because let's be honest here, just because you've seen the light and you want to declutter, that doesn't mean that everybody else will kind of go yay, I mean, I'm gonna join you. They're probably they're kind of rolling your eyes a little bit, and thinking, Oh, here we go. Here we go. We've we've got a new thing that we're doing, and don't have expectations that will people will just come on board overnight. It can take a long time before people get on board, don't they? Yeah, definitely.

Lesley  2:38  
And I think there's a frustration, isn't it sometimes with the rest of the family. I'm not saying that this is the case for everybody. But if you tend to have been a cluttered person most of your life and lived in quite a chaotic home. And people have got used to that haven't know, they've got used to that kind of chaos. And as you rightly said, Ingrid, they don't really believe you that you're on this path towards change.

Ingrid  3:03  
Yeah, and I think, you know, they've probably heard you say before, it's just so messy, and I wanted us all to change, and we need to work together. And apart. We're gonna go Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've seen it done. I've been there before. Two days, we're all frantically evolved. And then it all kind of waned off and things kind of fell back into how it was before and it's then it's hard to get the troops mustard it needs to kind of go, let's do this. People. Come on. I've seen the light. This is the goal. I want to have a decalogue in house, I'm, I have seen the light of where I want to go. And this is my vision. This is my dream. But to get everybody else going is not an easy task. It just reminds

Lesley  3:46  
you know, you're saying that the rest of your family think, oh, you know, it's going to last for two days. And then it's going to wane. So every time we go on holiday in the summer Africa with the with the whole family, and like right, that's it. As soon as we get back, we're going on healthy eating. No more drinking, no one healthy snacks and our kids. You can see him rolling their eyes. Oh, here we go again, mom's on one. And it does literally last like a week. And then we revert to type. But yeah, it's more difficult with a decluttering journey, because that is a long term vision, isn't it for a lot of people. And it's really tricky when people are not on the same page of view. So why why should we try that ingress and what can we do about it? Well,

Ingrid  4:28  
I think literally, I think it starts it always starts with yourself. I mean, if you want things to change, you're going to have to start with yourself and be realistic and go you know what, I really want to do this. I can't wait for other people to join me. I'm going to do this. And you really will overtime. See people go oh, this is actually really nice. I really enjoy this. I can find stuff, but don't expect it in the beginning. meaning start with yourself lead by example. And we get this question all the time, don't we? And we see it. I mean, a perfect example was it was one of the people who did our wardrobe challenge a little while back. And they're like, Wow, my husband was so impressed. And they also started to tidy up their clothes. And they also kind of went, Oh, I've got some old shirts here. I think they should be decluttered. And, oh, here's some stuff I no longer wear. It starts to rub off. But it can be a while.

Lesley  5:32  
Yeah, you know, it's interesting that you say that, because obviously, we use our cycle of success that we spoke about a few podcasts ago, don't we with our decluttering. And it's almost as if your partner gets to the end bit of the cycle of success, which is the finishing part of it sees the result and then gets on board, but they don't really want to be part of the journey. They don't really want to be part of the rest of the cycle, you know, all the hard stuff, the actual decluttering and thinking and organising and categorising and preparing and all that. But I want to be part of that. But once it's finished, and all of a sudden their light bulbs go on a little bit, don't they? No, I Oh, actually, I quite like living in a less chaotic house. I quite like having less stuff around quite like spending less money, I can see where this is going to almost need to get to the endpoint of your journey before other people feel inspired.

Ingrid  6:21  
Yes, Lesley, that is absolutely true. And the same is happening within our membership as well, isn't it?

Lesley  6:27  
Yeah, definitely. And it takes a while a lot of people within our membership are there for a while. But slowly but surely, all of a sudden, other people in the family are coming on board. You know, we're not just talking about husbands partners, wives here, we're talking about kids as well. Like I Chile, I didn't really I wasn't really bothered. But now that I see a different way, I'm actually going to come on board. And so I guess what we're saying in a nutshell is that it's not naturally going to happen. And people in your family are probably going to need to see the results before they decide whether or not they're going to come on board.

Ingrid  7:00  
Yeah, and I think that's the thing, isn't it? People want to be part of success. So when they see you being successful, and you gone, I've done this drawer, I've done this cupboard. I've done my clothes, they're like, oh, I want some of what she's having with this. This is really nice. And we've seen it indeed happening with people who have kids as well, that's somebody that kids are like, Oh, I can help or, Oh, this is really cool. Or oh, this is really good for the environment. A lot of kids, you know, are very connected to the environment, oh, this is better for you. And we can recycle more. And we've got a system. And now I see the benefits of this instead of oh, we have to declutter for hours. And this is no fun. But somebody you see the cooks turning in, in your in your family members in your home and gone. This is actually really good. Kids, I think you see the love with I can find my stuff, I can find my toys. A lot of the partners normally look at, oh, this is financially quite interesting, or oh, we're spending less money, which is good, we're gonna have less depth. So it's the combination of things, isn't it? And it can be different for each person?

Lesley  8:11  
Yeah, definitely. I mean, if we think about kids in particular, they tend to have followed our lead in terms of the standards that we have at home. And so why would they want to break out of it? Because they feel like it's almost your domain, and you're the one that's setting the tone of what's going on? And it needs that shift to happen for them to say, actually, I quite liked that. So no, it is, it's really interesting. It's very hard. It can be very frustrating as well, if you're on this journey, and everybody's undoing all your good work. That's the problem, isn't it? So you're decluttering and a lot with we're talking mainly about did the decluttering process here, aren't we rather than actual keeping things tidy every day, which is a whole nother podcast, which we'll come to at some point. But yeah, I think it's you know, that that desire for less that desire for organisation and simplicity is going to rub off and in the end, isn't it?

Ingrid  9:02  
Yeah, I think showed up. Absolutely. And I've seen it a lot as well, when I've been working with clients that sometimes the partners are a bit unsure. I'll go like, why is this lady here? Why is she helping us in our house. But as soon as they start to see, they can actually walk in a room without things falling over, they can find their items. Again, it's easier to cook a meal or it's easier to put laundry in the laundry bed and all of those things. They suddenly go oh, actually I'm now seeing why we're doing this and why this is a good idea. And then suddenly this little back with stuff. I've been decluttering a little bit can can this go into your car as well to the charity shop and you see it you see then the person that I've been working with God miracles, their miracles happening. It is amazing, because I think it's really important when you're on a decluttering journey. Start with your own stuff first. Just don't say to other people, you will have to tidy up, you will have to declutter your it's all your stuff everywhere, and everyone's gonna go does all our stuff. It's chaos everywhere. So why do I suddenly have to do things? Well, it's never been really asked of me before maybe or maybe nobody cared? Or maybe it's never been a priority. So if you are on a decluttering journey, start with your own stuff first and practice on yourself. How was this decluttering? Going? What are the hard parts to do? And what are the easy parts to do?

Lesley  10:38  
I think it's interesting, it takes us into a very interesting debate Ingrid, doesn't it to talk about other people's stuff? And whether that is in principle off limits when you're decluttering? And that's another question that comes up quite often, we're talking about families coming on board, the easy thing to do would be to declutter their stuff for them in principle, wouldn't it and then you can make decision about other people's stuff. But that's a very dangerous game to play, isn't it? So even as professionals, we don't ever touch anybody else's stuff. And so the way to do that is, if you find, you know, if we're talking about a home that's full of chaos, or there's a lot of things out of place, then if you find somebody else's stuff in the middle of something that you're sorting out, put it to one side, quite often, people are quite happy to go through a kind of organised box of stuff and make decisions. But they don't want to do the rummaging and the sorting, and the categorising and all that kind of stuff. But they don't mind looking through one small box of stuff. So it's important to break it down into small chunks for other people in the same way that is for ourselves, isn't it? So really important, you know, if there's one thing that's like, super important that you need to take away from this is don't declutter somebody else's stuff, just because that would be the easy thing to do. Whether that's kids, I mean, kids of a certain age, of course, you can make decisions for them. But once they get above, kind of, well, the age is different depends on the child, really, but definitely above that kind of 10 year old and category, then it's tricky to start thinking that you can make decisions for other people, because people have got their own emotions and their own attachments to things, haven't they?

Ingrid  12:15  
Yeah, and I think on top of that, allegedly, it's like what you get if you declutter somebody else's stuff, they're gonna go, Well, how old? I'm in it, why are you suddenly decluttering? My Stuff? Why don't you do your own stuff. And before you know it, there can really be an argument. While it's always better to do your own things first. When you do your own things, first, you can make decision what what you feel is possible, and what you can lead golf and what needs to stay. If you start to make decisions for other people, you're taking away their control, and then it can get really frustrating. And then you get well, where's this? Where's that? Oh, you've thrown it away, you've thrown it away. While you might not, if at all, because you might have put it somewhere that they can't find it. So there's already an argument before even the whole item is found. And I think that it's that it's a slippery slope Exactly. With small kids, of course, you're going to be involved as a parent in their items. And you need to teach them from when they're young. But if there are older children, or when you have your partner's stuff there, let them do their own stuff.

Lesley  13:22  
To know I find quite a lot as well. If somebody if somebody has lived with somebody that's full of clutter, they tend to think of their own stuff, or be it in our eyes potentially clutter as a collection. You know what I mean? So, yeah, that those kind of 400 CDs, that's not clutter. That's a collection of stuff, you know, wherever that is, we get that all the time, don't we? Different people have different ideas about what clutter is. And when it's your stuff. You don't think of it as quality? You think of it as a collection, a collection of very precious items. Don't you know, it's so important? It's so interesting to hear it in that way sometimes? Yeah. Yeah.

Ingrid  14:00  
And it's not only CDs, it was these DVDs. It is trainers, it is books, it is tools, it is trains from when they were a child, I mean, it can be all sorts. And I think the person themselves really needs to make a mental leap ahead. What do I want to happen with this stuff? Is it actually collateral? Is it actually a collection that needs to be better taken care of?

Lesley  14:24  
Yeah, I think in order to go on a decluttering journey, most of us have hit that kind of rock bottom feeling of overwhelm. And if your partner or your children have not are not feeling that then why would they have the desire to actually go down that route?

Ingrid  14:38  
Yeah, yeah, very true. I mean, again, like we said before, just because you see the light doesn't mean that they feel to have to come on board. They're just chilling there laying on the sofa, watching TV, reading a book or playing a game, and all of a sudden, they're like, they're neat. They're like pulled into action. They're like, well, this is not on my calendar or my diary today. You do what you got to do, but leave me in peace.

Lesley  15:00  
I know it's funny when I did I did a podcast with my children didn't add that kind of what have I learned from my mom? And they just kept saying that I would drag them out of bed at seven o'clock in the morning to declutter their bedroom. No. ever remember dragging you out of bed to declutter your bedrooms, but I know that I will have be like, Okay, kids, today's the day decluttering is on the agenda and the roll like Rolling Stone definitely happens. But, you know, they just know that I'm a professional organiser. And so they know that's part of the process for me just mean that that's going to happen, whether they like it or not. So let's think about some practical tips as well. So we've started on this decluttering journey. Is there anything at all that we can do to explain the process that we're going through?

Ingrid  15:46  
Yeah, I think definitely, I think, and that's not something that I think you should do, like, five minutes. While you're washing up, I think if you have if you're on a decluttering journey, and you've got a goal in mind, and a vision and a dream, and you've thought about how you're going to break those goals down, get a family meeting, or sit them down and say write, I really have thought about what I would love to happen here. And this is my plan. And I just want you to know what I'm up to. And I notice you might know it might be a big shock to you. But this is my my journey. My plan. I would love it if you come on board at some point. But I can, I can imagine that you want to see my successes first. But I think you need to get them involved in that journey. Instead of suddenly, getting 12 beanbags out, it's done throw stuff away without nobody know what is going on.

Lesley  16:34  
I think it's important to share those goals as well, isn't it Ingrid, you know, to explain the journey to explain perhaps how you've been feeling about it, and why you suddenly want to make a change. And so because if you just do it without knowing, and they just think you're on a crazy sort of decluttering journey, then perhaps they won't understand. But if they understand the emotions that sit behind that and overwhelm and stress that you're feeling, then they may be more likely to come on board at very least to understand, I think one of the things that we speak about all the time when we're talking about a decluttering project, is we talk about preparation. And quite often, you need family members involved in preparing for a project. And so it might be that you guess they're not going to come on your decluttering journey. But they may help in other ways, they may make the dinner while you're doing your decluttering journey, they may might do those journeys to the recycling centre, they might take stuff to the charity shop for you, they might help you up and down a loft ladder, they might help you with the heavy lifting. So that number of ways that they can come on board with the decluttering journey without actually getting rid of their own stuff. So more about helping you with the practical aspects of the project.

Ingrid  17:44  
And that I think is especially when the kids are a bit older. I mean, if the kids are younger, you know, start these good habits early. Teach them young, don't think I'll do it for them all the time. Get them involved in that decluttering you know, because a lot of kids say but if you say tidy up your room, they're like, but I've got no idea how I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just gonna shove some stuff under my bed, but some stuff away. So especially when they're small you have to be then go look here, put your dirty clothes here in the hamper. And this is a this is a wrapper to put that in the bin. And here's some Lego look. Let's put it with the other Lego and here's your soft toys. Let's put them together. You need to explain what you're doing. And you can't expect everybody to to declutter for hours on end, you probably have to start really, really small. Five minutes here, five minutes there. Come on, let's go to your room. Let's gather all the plates and cups. Come on. Let's open the curtains and open a window let some light in here. Let's put all your books together. It's Do you see any books you no longer read? And really break down those tasks? And then you can build on that over time?

Lesley  18:55  
Are you trying to tell me that it's not normal behaviour to just pick 27 strewn items off the floor and shove it onto the bed or underneath the clothes in a wardrobe? Not in all the heavy lifting. Because that's what I see regularly. You know, the fool that I am on like tidy budget, I have done a really nice job and then the next time I go and put some clothes away I'm like, right? Okay, that's where those clothes are then everybody who's listening to this who's got teenagers like yep, that's the way that it goes.

Ingrid  19:27  
I don't know allegedly. Maybe I'm still blissfully unaware I've got it all coming from me. I'm blissfully unaware. I'm still hopeful that all the years have come on. Let's do it together. You're gonna pay off at some point.

Lesley  19:42  
Let's put it in the bin. I hope you're not talking about now. You're gonna be so disappointed. I just feel pouring read of mind while he can smell 13 and 15 coming out. Yeah, yeah, things are about to change.

Ingrid  20:00  
I'm still in my own little bubble. So I'm still in my own little bubble. I'm hoping I'm hoping it's all paid off all the hard work so far.

Lesley  20:08  
You know what I'll tell you, my son who's 25, who's moved out his flat is immaculate? Well, it's immaculate when I go round. You know that because they're so proud of their own space. And so they obviously know what to do. They just choose not to do it when they're in your house. I think that's, that's the thing that that works. But anyway, let's not start berating these children's being terrible children, but everybody knows that that kind of stuff happens. But no, you're absolutely right, you've got to be consistent, haven't you? You know, it's so easy, isn't it to just kind of give up and do it for them? Well, I have done a little bit of that, as you'll see in that podcast that I spoke about with my children, I do have rules, I do have certain things that are non negotiables with my children, but sometimes it's just easier to just do it yourself. And that's not always the best way. But if you really do want to teach them, consistency is key. And leading by example, as you say, you need to teach them you need to show them it's really important. And then they pick up these habits that you have in your life, that they will take forward with them as they as they

Ingrid  21:14  
grow up. Yeah. And I think as well, you know, if you're saying to kids, hang up your coat, make sure that his room to actually hang up a coat. I mean, if the coat rack is absolutely bursting at the seams, and they can't hang up the coat, the effort falls down when even trying for the first time. So think through what you want him to do. Where do you want the school bags to go into school shoes? Is there a place to put them somewhere because if there's place, you can say, here's where I put your shoes, here's where I put your shoes, here's where you put your shoes. And after five years, you can say, I've told you know five times what why is this not working? It's year you put your shoes and you can kind of then go, what's going on here. But if there's no room to put anything anywhere, then it kind of the whole system falls down before you've even started. So it's a combination of decluttering and organising and those routines all the time. And really, if you keep on with your decluttering, you will see those changes. Yeah, we

Lesley  22:15  
definitely see it, we definitely definitely see it with our members, all of a sudden, it's like, oh, all of a sudden, my partners come on board as well, or my kids have come on board and that very much part of the journey and enjoying that journey as a family. So I suppose we haven't really got much practical advice because every family is different. But I think if you start with yourself, then hopefully other people will come on board.

Ingrid  22:43  
Yes, stick with it. Keep plodding on. And then those changes will happen. So listeners that's it for this episode. We hope you've all enjoyed listening are inspired to take action. And we appreciate you so much being here today listening to us. If you've enjoyed this podcast do share it with others. You can find the sharing buttons on the show notes page on our website. If you want more handy tips and advice from Lesley and I, you can find us in lots of places. We have a fab supportive Facebook group called the declutter hub community, which is a great starting point. And you can also find us on Instagram we have a Facebook page and a YouTube channel as well. And you can just search for @declutterhub. We'd love to see you there. If you'd like to know more about our membership, have a look at members that declutter.com To find out more. If you don't want to miss the next podcast, subscribe to declutter our podcast and it will pop into notifications each Friday. So thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time.

Outro  23:50  
Thanks for listening to this week's episode of The declutter hub podcast. Check out declutterhub.com for more inspiration. Don't forget to tune in next week.
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