Episode 379 -The Scary Truth of Why You Can’t Let Go

Ingrid: When it comes to decluttering, the scariest part isn't the clutter. It's facing the emotions that stop us from doing it. Fear plays a huge role in why so many of us struggle to let go. Fear of waste, fear of regret, or fear of losing memories.

Can hold us hostage in our own homes. In today's episode, our Halloween special, we're exploring the scary truth behind why you can't let go. We'll break down the common fears, explain how they keep you stuck, and share practical strategies to face them more confidently.

Ingrid: Hello and welcome listeners. I'm Ingrid.

Lesley: And I am Lesley. Now, if you are here for the very first time today, or you've been listening in for ages, we want to say a huge thank you we have a little favour to ask.

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Well, hello listeners. It's Halloween today, so welcome to our Halloween special, and Lesley asked me to do scary in the introduction.

Lesley: I think you did very well. Can we just get that again? Go on. Just do it again.

Ingrid: Ooh. Scary spaces, scary stuff.

Lesley: Nice. a little bit of acting from your wing with Well done and welcome everybody on this lovely Halloween day. Now we're not actually gonna talk about Halloween stuff itself. We're gonna talk about scary emotions that hold you back from decluttering your home. And it is fear that holds us back in so many different ways. I'm gonna talk about fear of wasting stuff, fear of wasting money, fear of regret, fear of losing memories, all of that good stuff. So I'm gonna talk about how fear is a completely normal part of decluttering,

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: also how to try and move beyond it so we can start to make that progress in our homes.

Ingrid: Yeah, I think it's really important that people understand that it is a normal reaction, right? And that's not something to be ashamed about or embarrassed about or anything like that. It is scary to, you know. Look around one day and go, wow, how, how did it all get so far? And how do, what do I do now? And not go into a complete overwhelm, but kind of sit with that and go, it's okay to be afraid.

It's okay to be scared and where, you know, how, how, how does that happen and how can I, work on that?

Lesley: Because it, you know, let's face it, it is not the stuff that's the difficult part of it. It's the emotions that sit behind the stuff. And you've heard us talk about that

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: times in the decluttering. And so if it was just about as simple as chucking stuff in a bin bag, then we'd all be doing it.

But it's actually those voices in our mind that stop us from making those things. And fierce sits behind that quite often. But I think, you know, one of the things that we talk about quite a lot is that. The f the foundational building blocks that you need to start or understanding those emotions.

Self-awareness is everything when it comes to clutter. 'cause once we can recognize those emotions that keep on coming, you know, bubbling up from under the surface, then we can start to make the necessary actions then and progress towards changing that. And also it's super important to be kind to yourself.

As we said, these things are completely normal, these emotions. It, it, it, it happens everywhere. So be kind to yourself and don't just berate yourself for not being good enough, which is what happens an awful lot, isn't it, Ingrid? If, if we could just get people to be self-aware and kind to themselves, then honestly we've broken through those initial foundational barriers.

Ingrid: Yeah, absolutely. So, let's start Lesley, with one of the fears that we see so, so, so much, and that is the fear, that we've wasted things, we've wasted money, we've wasted resources, we've wasted time, we've wa you know, so much. But the thing is, when you buy something. And you don't want it later. There's no point in berating what you did in the past because you can't change it.

You know, the, the the, the money is gone. But the thing is, what are you gonna do next and how can you prevent or have less money wasting in the future?

Lesley: Yeah, we do real work. We do really worry about wastefulness and a lot. You know,

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: as well on where you are. And I think everybody is very conscious about waste, whether that's financial waste, whether that's. environmental waste as well. We worry about that as

Ingrid: Yeah,

Lesley: And so we

Ingrid: definitely.

Lesley: that happen in life that stop us in our tracks all the time, and so we, we are nervous about that wastefulness.

But you're absolutely right. The money is gone. We're not gonna bring that back. So why would we then perpetuate that? then bring guilt into the mix as well. 'cause the fear, we fear wastefulness. So then we feel guilty about wastefulness. 'cause it's staring us in the face all the time. So then we keep it and we perpetuate that.

And that's not, that's not useful. not positive. What we need to do is go Okay. I know that I wasted that. I know that that's a habit that I've had in the past. That's a habit I that I need to slowly but surely stop making. I need to stop worrying about that kind of thing. I need to stop berating myself over the things that I've done in the past. Be better going forward, be more mindful, be more self-aware going forward. Be kind enough to myself to know that that's a normal response to something, then allows you to then move forward. I think the other thing is. Keeping it in your home means it's going to continue to be wasted. But if you were then to pass it on via Olio to the charity shop, then all of a sudden the item is not being wasted anymore because it's gone to its next home.

It's gone to the next person who is gonna enjoy it, use it, and therefore it's not wasteful. It just kind of went around a little bit of a cycle. Right.

Ingrid: I think Lesley, I think especially the waste for the environment has grown, especially in the last years that we've been working on the Declutter Hub. I think in the beginning when I, I dunno if how, if you see the same thing, but in the beginning when we were professional organizer starting, you know, 14, 15 years ago now, it was all about, oh, the money that was so expensive and all of that.

But I think definitely in the last. 5, 6, 7 years, the environment, I think people really are taking that on board. There's a lot more TV programs about, you know, e even if you bring it to the recycling center, it stays there. You know, there's, you know, it, it ends, stays on this planet. And I think really that is having a crippling effect on people that they're, they're so, that fear has, has really held, held them.

Well, almost hostage of, of letting items move on. Like it, I need to find the perfect place. I need to do the right thing. I need to, there's so many, there must be a charity somewhere that I can bring it to or give it to, or somebody else, or, I think it's, it's massive. Massive,

Lesley: and I think it's good. Don't get me wrong. So I think it's good

Ingrid: yeah.

Lesley: about those things and to look at the feasibility of your clutter, then finding its next home via the exact

Ingrid: Mm.

Lesley: that you would like it to do, but then also about being realistic about whether that's actually gonna be able to happen or whether that's gonna hold you back.

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: With where you want to go. Sometimes when we're decluttering, we have to put ourselves first, and it's not something that we naturally do. We need to go do you know what, I know

Ingrid: Mm-hmm.

Lesley: not be the right thing. I know that this might be environmentally not, not as good as it could be. It might not be going to the right charity shop, and it might end up somewhere that I don't want it to be. But ultimately I have to look after, after myself. I, as I am as important in this process as other things and other people, and I need to kind of. Sit with that and understand it and recognize it.

Ingrid: Yeah. And I think how you, what I think can really then make that big change is to think about, okay, I'm now working very hard on my current situation. I'm going to try as best as I can, but I'm also, at some point you see that tipping point where people start to look at, okay. I'm now doing, trying to do all the right things, but the stuff that's currently in my home.

But now let's work on the stuff that's coming in and that whole awareness around that. And I think then you can really see the change. But this will not all happen overnight. But we just wanna as reassure you that having a fear of waste is, is common, is common.

Lesley: Absolutely. So yeah, fear of waste is a biggie I think as well. Ingrid, fear of regret is a big one as well. You know, it's kind of, oh, but

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: you know, I might need to keep it just in case. What if I need it later? We feel that we will regret a decision that we make, and a lot of that comes from a, a place where we've not felt ever before, fully in control of our decluttering process. So we have maybe done things a little bit too speedily or, other people have got involved and, and made us make decisions that, that we were not ready for. you know, we, we haven't had the right process, the right attitude. We weren't in the right place. And so we did make mistakes in the past. Some of it is, you know, some of our. kind of emotional, response to a, a regretfulness is things that happened in our childhood, you know, like. People took things away from us and we regret no longer having those special things. Nine times out of 10 it will be absolutely sentimental items. It's not common garden stuff is it? It's, it's sentimental items that we regret, that we regret no longer having. And so I think we've got to also recognize that. And we've really got to put, you know, we talked about before, putting ourselves first in this process, we have to put our, our current life. At the forefront of this and not worry about the past and the future. We need to look at the present, don't we? And so many of us full foul of that. We're always looking to the

Ingrid: Hmm mm.

Lesley: looking towards the future, but might need it one day or why didn't it have that thing from the past? What about now? Look at what you need in your home today. What's enhancing your life? What's giving you what you need? And that will slowly but surely start to see that regret dissipate somehow.

And so. Live for the here and now. So, so important. Yeah.

Ingrid: Yeah, I think it's interesting, Lesley, because, what we see a lot is in the, especially with that justing, I'm gonna keep it just in case, are these kind of memes from social media, right? Oh, I've thrown something away and, and what, what would you say? A week later, I needed this item. But let's put some realism on that.

How often does that really, really happen? Maybe once or twice in the decade, but we remember it and we hold on to all of that. Oh, but you see, I threw this away, da da, da. But it's life. It's life. And we had, we make the best decision at that moment for us and. You can't always then go back to a mistake you made eight years ago.

You're just, again, berating yourself instead of going, you know what? At that time, it didn't seem useful for me, and I honestly, Lesley and I are not like, oh, just willy-nilly throw stuff away. Absolutely not. But also just being honest with yourself and being realistic about it and go, hold on a minute. But when this ha has actually happened, is this once in, in, in 10 years or is this actually happening to me all the time?

Because then you need to look at your decision making and, and what you're letting go. And are you made a bit bit like, oh, I'm, I'm overwhelmed throwing stuff away. Yes, you're gonna red grab things, but if you take it slowly but surely and calmly and feel that you make the best decision at that moment for you with, with, with some thinking behind it.

With some calmness behind it, it's completely different. So yes, fear of regret, absolutely normal, but you can put some, some boundaries around it and fences around it in place to make as little mistakes as possible. But life is not perfect. You will end up throwing away if you think that you're late to think, oh yeah, that's a bit of a shame.

I could have used that, but hey, oh.

Lesley: I think, you know, it's not just about stuff. This, this is about. bigger. What we're talking about here is bigger than stuff itself. We're talking about what do you, what do you gain from decluttering? You gain time, you're gain clarity, you gain space, you gain better relationships. And so by, by getting rid of or making a decision to let go of stuff that no longer serves you, you gain so much more in life. No, maybe not in your home, not more stuff. So we need to shift that focus away from actual physical items into positive changes that are made as a result of making the right decisions. So, so important. So put that fear to one side and think about you. Think about how this is gonna enhance your life. Put yourself first for a change and it will really stand you in good stead.

Won't Ingrid.

Ingrid: Absolutely. So let's go for a break and we're gonna talk some more after.

Hi everyone. Welcome back to your Scary Truth about why you can't let go. This is our Halloween special and we're talking about fear, and we've talked about fear of waste. We've talked about the fear of regret.

So Lesley, what else do we want to dive into?

Lesley: Yeah, I think a really big one, particularly if we have lost somebody, is a fear of losing memories about something. So it's not just, not just if we've lost somebody, but I think that's a big one as well. We hold

Ingrid: Hmm mm.

Lesley: of sentimental items because we are. We want to retain that connection that we had with either the memory or the person. And so we fear that by letting go of the item, we will let go of that memory or that connection. And so I think it's really, really important. You know, we talk about all the time, you know, that it's all about quality over quantity. course we need some stuff to remember things by events by, and people by we do 'cause we can't remember everything. but I

Ingrid: No.

Lesley: to know that we don't need all of the things for that memory. You know, we don't need every single piece of artwork, artwork that our child ever painted. We don't need every single tie of our husband that passed away, you know, one or two very special things. Retains, know, that memory really, and you don't lose that connection.

You're never gonna lose that connection some, 'cause something's kind of in your heart, isn't it? Ingrid as well. And you get that kind of feeling inside when something goes. But sometimes we do need a visual reminder of that. again, that visual reminder doesn't necessarily need to come from a physical item. If we are sentimental souls, we can also do other the things. We can capture things in audio format, we can capture things in photographic format, and those sometimes give us enough 'cause we do go through. Our photographs, we do have things like Facebook memories where it pops things up a year or eight or 12 years later.

We go, oh, I remember that. And so there are other ways other than the physical items, right?

Ingrid: I know, especially like the Facebook memories, Lesley, you know, when they come up like, oh, look at them, how cute they were, or, wow, I still have that top, I still, I still have that item of clothing. That has happened to me a lot as well. I, I am very, very, like, oh. Hmm, I think I had that top 10 years ago. Maybe it's time for some new clothes, but No, you're absolutely right.

You know, we, I love seeing the memories, you know, it's like, gosh, I, I can't believe it was that long ago, or, that was such a great day, or, I really, really enjoyed, I think photographs can be so powerful,

Lesley: They,

Ingrid: that are, they're fantastic. Even more than stuff, I think.

Lesley: If I think about

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: the excitement that I get from, and you get as well from a Facebook memory from 15, 16 years ago, and sometimes I'm like, I can't believe Facebook was even that, that I was on Facebook 16 years ago. But anyway, that's another story. But how often does that happen? Because it's kind of, it, it just

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: into our world without us really asking for it. But how often would we then sit and go through our sentimental boxes? That's a rarity, right?

Ingrid: Hmm.

Lesley: often. You

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: we're able to bring that

Ingrid: Hmm.

Lesley: and you'll know we're big advocates of that.

But if it is something that's in a box in the loft or in a drawer or we don't go through those things that

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: It's something that comes up all the time, particularly if we've, you know, it doesn't, it's not just on

Ingrid: Yeah,

Lesley: got like Google memories and that'll bring stuff up.

Ingrid: yeah.

Lesley: clever, right? How it does it with people and with stuff. I mean, it's

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: how it does that. And it's a really easy way to have those memories. And so, you know, you won't lose those memories by losing the stuff, but you need to think a little bit outside the box as to how you're gonna do that with audio or

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: is, is a big one, right? Yeah.

Ingrid: Yeah, definitely. Now, of course, also what we see, is a fear of. Losing who you were in the past, you know, things change things. We all grow older, thankfully, but we are not the same people that we were five years, 10 years ago, 15, 20 years ago. And, my daughter said something funny the other day because we were talking about something.

She said, oh mom, tell me the family lore about this. You know, what's the history behind it? At the dinner table, we were chatting about something. I said, oh, I said your grandmother, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, or, and then you realize that some of the stories that she tells have been told many, many times, or there's things that she has never heard before.

So I think the storytelling is, is really such a fun way to remember the past and remember who you are. But I think as a person you change so much as well.

Lesley: Well, I mean we did that podcast a few weeks ago, didn't we? With Story Terrace where it was all about capturing memories from people for, for the future and what a special thing that is. If

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: at it, go back to episode, was it three seven? Four in? Where do you think it was, wasn't it? Where we talked to

Ingrid: Yes, yes.

Lesley: StoryTerrace? So that's very much that's about writing a story or a story of a loved one really. to definitely retain those memories for future, for future sort of generations. Really, really, so important. yeah, I think that.

Ingrid: Yeah, I,

Lesley: have had a very special part of in our life, whether that's time, you know, back when there was lots of kids at home, or you know, when other people were alive or when we did something very special from a a personal perspective or a work perspective, it can be really hard with the passage

Ingrid: yeah.

Lesley: time to say goodbye to the things that represent that period in your life, you know?

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: get that. I do get that. But somehow, but again, it's about quality over quantity. So we don't need to keep all of the things, you know, we can keep some things. A lot of these things that were very special moments in our life do have that photographic representation of those. by its nature, when we did something special, we took photographs of it depended on. What age we are and when it was and things like that. I think, you know, the identity shift, it is a little bit like, you know, we did a podcast again with Maya Rooz, right? Called Hidden Grief. This is the, this is exactly what this kind of thing is. It's not grieving for a loved one. It's grieving for something that you loved in your past that you really are reluctant to let go of.

But the stuff doesn't need to be the thing

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: that. So we completely recognize that that's a thing. But don't let that fear stop you in your track. Because by having all of those things, what that means is that you don't allow space in your life for new experiences to come. And that's what's important.

We don't

Ingrid: Hmm.

Lesley: in the past. We want to allow space for new things to come in.

Ingrid: Yeah, I think that's so true. I think Lesley, we, it's so easy to kind of stay in. Oh. It last year, or five years ago, 10 years ago. But we are where we are now, and I think a lot of people miss out on appreciating what they have and where they are currently and, and what the future's gonna hold for them because they always clinging onto that past, well, we want you to enjoy your life fully.

You know, it, it wishes by so quickly. You know, we, we have to almost kind of. Grab it and, and, and, and fully enjoy it. And I think the clutter can really, hold you back. So make sure you, you, you think about these fears, think about the, the, the, the, the stuff that it represents. Let it let go. Some of this stuff let go, some of these fear so you can really enjoy the, the current you.

And again, doesn't have to be all or nothing. This is not like. We're gonna now do six months of total decluttering and 12 skips and gutting the house. No, not at all. Small little steps can really, you know, make a, make a big change.

Lesley: Yeah, and I think it's something that you gradually start to learn. We've spoken about these things with waste and regret and fear of, you know, sentimentality and a past life and things like that. But I think, you know, it's important, as you say, to take baby steps and to build up that decry muscle, to recognize these things, to become self-aware.

To be kind to yourself, but you can't do it, as you're saying, with all overnight. It takes time to, to build that self-awareness and to break through those barriers of fear. Like anything, you know, we, we. And we we're fearful of anything. If we're fear of fearful of height, that wouldn't be something that would go, ever go away.

We would have to battle through that and work on that as a, as a, as a fear, wouldn't we? So I think you're right. You know, take it slowly, take it one step at a time. You know, just understand that you are not alone, that, that this is emotional work. This is hard emotional work and fear will very much play a part of that, think. to sort of close this out, I think one of the most important things. In a decluttering journey that is gonna allow you to break through these fears is having a journey where you feel in control. We said this right at the beginning of the podcast. A lot of these fears come from a place where you weren't in control, where somebody else was making the decisions for you or. Time dictated that you had to make a decision quickly because of a probate situation, situation, or a moving house or whatever. So a lot of this is about feeling control of every decision you make. And some of those decisions might be, do you know what, I probably know that I should let that thing go, but for now I'm not ready.

So I'm gonna keep it. And then to allow yourself the grace and compassion to know that you can return that return to that item later along the line. When you feel in control of a decluttering journey, you don't have regrets, you

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: fear, you know, because you, you made the decision for the right reasons, because you thought about that reason as you were doing it.

So really, really important to know that you need to feel in control of every decision that you make on a decluttering journey.

Ingrid: Yeah, absolutely. Wise words. Lesley, thank you so much. Well, listeners, has this been helpful podcast for you? Have you kind of gone, wow, yes, I struggle with all of these fears or, okay. Actually not doing too bad on, on, on several of them, but, ooh, that's one I need to work on. Have a little ponder, have a little.

Thing. See if you can break through those fears a little bit, slowly but surely calm, where you're calm, calm and collected, and not in a frenzy. So, yes, try and take some action this week and identify, what it is where you can, do some extra work and let us know. tell us in the comments, send us an email.

We would love to know, if these podcasts, are helpful, helping you. To move forward through your decluttering journey. But for now, thanks for listening and we'll see you next week.