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Episode 163 – Taking care of others in your life

Episode 322 – How to avoid Black Friday shopping Don't Buy Ask Why
Episode 321 – The secrets of organisation when you have ADHD with Ian Anderson Gray
Managing what happens day to day in our lives and homes is hard enough, but sometimes there are other people in our lives we need to look out for. Whether that’s children, pets or elderly relatives, they all take emotional and physical energy to take care of.
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Transcript of this podcast episode
[00:00:00] Ingrid: Managing what happens day to day in our lives and homes is hard enough. But sometimes there are other people in our lives we need to look out for too. In today's podcast, we're going to chat about taking care of others in your life.

[00:00:14] Now, Lesley, we have busy lives, right? We do a lot. We've got houses we need to take care of. We've got, uh, businesses to run. Lots of stuff going on. But on top of that, we take care of other people too, don't we? Yeah, 

[00:00:31] Lesley: we're talking kids and elderly relatives for the most part. Those are the people generally that we need to look after.

[00:00:37] There's other people as well. There might be a neighbor, might be a friend that you need to look after. But in general, let's talk about people that are younger than us and people that are older than us. take time. And we need to plan that into our bit already, as you said, Ingrid, busy schedules. Now, my situation is that both my mother in law and my mum are no longer with us.

[00:00:59] And so I've got my father in law and I've got my dad very close by. So we do take a hand in helping them out and so on with various things, although they are both quite independent to be fair. So it's not a lot that we need to do, but there's bits and bobs. And so we're going to talk a little bit about kids and a little bit about.

[00:01:16] Ingrid: And let's not forget our furry friends, our pets. Um, I don't have any pets, but people who have, have been telling me they feel like family members. But they need to be taken care of too, don't they? 

[00:01:29] Lesley: Yeah, they do. And the nice thing about furry friends... is that they don't really answer back, do they? They don't really answer back, so a little bit simpler.

[00:01:36] That's why people love them so much, because they don't answer back, do they? Like, kids and parents have got something to say about things, haven't they, generally? So, uh, much easier, pets. But yeah, 

[00:01:46] Ingrid: pets as well. Well, why don't we get started, then, talking about kids and pets, and then we'll talk about our, um, relatives and, and other people, kind of, later.

[00:01:56] So, let's start with kids, then. I mean, I thought you were going 

[00:01:59] Lesley: to lump them in together. Like they do have quite different needs, you know, kids and pets, to be fair. Kids and pets the whole time together as if they've got the same needs. But anyway, yes. Sorry, Ingrid. Let's talk about kids. You've still got younger kids at home.

[00:02:14] So you lead on this one because you've got a 12 and a 15 year old. 

[00:02:19] Ingrid: Yeah. 13, 13 and 15. And it's, you know, they get more independent there, they are getting there, but there is still lots of stuff that I have to sort out for them. You know, first of all, there are all their appointments for the dentist and the orthodontist and the headdressers.

[00:02:37] Those are things that I still do for them. Of course, you know, you need to sort out. It's getting better though, but still, you know, clothes, shoes, stuff for, for school, you know, they now make their own lunch boxes, but of course we need to make sure that we have items in the house that they can actually take to school.

[00:02:57] It's all of these and all their clubs, the clubs, of course, have all started again. And, um, So it's all the organising around that. Have they got the right equipment? What times do they need to be where? Can they go there by themselves? Do we need to organise, um, dropping them off and picking them up? And can we share with other parents?

[00:03:14] It's lot, lots of logistics that need to be done. 

[00:03:18] Lesley: Yeah, definitely. And I think it's going to be very dependent on how dependent your child is. So some children are better at others than organising themselves. My daughter, for example, she's always been quite good at organising herself and needed not as much input from me.

[00:03:34] Whereas my two boys. I think it's kind of needed quite a lot of input to keep them ticking along so a lot of reminding, you know, they would do things themselves, but they needed a lot of reminding along the way so I think it's very different the amount of input that you need is very dependent on the child isn't it.

[00:03:52] When people have left home, you know, you might have a young adult at home and they still need that constant help because depending on the way that you've raised them, they might be more reliant on you than other children are, do you know what I mean? So it's, it's, it's an interesting one, but let's take it right back to early childhood then sort of like primary school, as we call it here in the UK.

[00:04:13] What do you think is a game changer when it comes to organising children and keeping on top of everything that you need to keep on top of? 

[00:04:20] Ingrid: I think for me, it definitely was making sure that the night before. I would make sure I had everything ready for the next day, and a lot of their stuff had a place in their home.

[00:04:35] So there was a place for shoes, there was a place for backpacks, for lunchboxes. When they would come home from school and there would be a letter in the backpack from the school with some news. I would immediately be on that. So they would know, like, they would tell me, mommy, there is a letter because when they were younger, I would say, is there a letter from school?

[00:04:54] And of course, check the backpack myself, but later go already by themselves and go, there's a letter in my bag. So you, you, you build up that kind of. Thinking ahead in them over time as well. But I think having a place for everything, especially for their stuff, made the morning so much less stressful.

[00:05:14] Lesley: Yeah, and I think it's, you know, there's a couple of things that people have when they've got school aged children which really help. Um, called a couple of kind of fancy terms, but one's called a command centre. And we have done a podcast on a command centre, which is almost like a central place, isn't it Ingrid, where you gather all these things together.

[00:05:32] I see you, Mike. If you've got space, it might be just a, um, a notice board or something like that, or somewhere where you can put letters in, where you can pin things to a board to remind yourself. You might even have hooks there that you can hang kind of PE bags and things like that on. So command centers are very useful as are what a lot of people term mission control as well, which is kind of almost like a launch pad, isn't it?

[00:05:56] To get you set for the day. So. When we're decluttering houses with people with children, you know, we do typically put a lot of stuff in that central hallway on the way out of the door so that things can get dropped as they come in and taken out easily and with those visual reminders that we all need every day when they leave the house.

[00:06:15] So, um, a launch pad and a command center. It sounds like a kind of, you know, like a NASA or something, but you know, but it kind of is like NASA, isn't it? Let's face it. And so those are the kinds of things that are really going to be helpful. I think as Ingrid says, you know, getting ready the night before, always being one step ahead of the kids, reminding them, prompting them, check in because how many times, you know, my kids, the worst thing about mine was when they were doing, um, used to do cookery lessons at school and literally like 11 o'clock the night before it's like, Oh, we're doing this recipe tomorrow and we need all this stuff.

[00:06:53] What you're telling me now at 11 o'clock at night, the night before you've got to be at school to do this recipe. So that always used to come back to bite me. That's for sure. 

[00:07:03] Ingrid: I've got another example, Lesley. I mean, there's me thinking I'm like, I'm not doing too bad with the kids. Max is off on a trip a couple of months ago.

[00:07:12] Comes back home tired, obviously, and then suddenly says, Oh yeah, I have had a mark in my planner because I didn't have white socks for, um, for sports. And I went, Oh yeah, that was a thing. But of course, because it's been kind of chaotic with school and, and, and lockdown and COVID and lessons and completely forgot about the white socks.

[00:07:33] Does he tell me immediately when he comes home from school to say he's had a mark, so I've had time to organise some sort of white trainer socks. No, Monday, Sunday night at 10 o'clock. And I'm like, I, there's nothing I can do for you now. So if this means in detention, because you don't have your white socks.

[00:07:51] I can't help you. You're on your own. You should have known this before. And he was like, I know I should have told you earlier. I'm like, yeah, yeah, 

[00:07:58] Lesley: that would have been nice. And it's like, it's a constant, isn't it? These things repeat themselves every single day, every single day. It's very chaotic when you leave the house, as organised as you are, those mornings are an absolute nightmare and you just can't get away from the stress.

[00:08:10] But one of the things that's really important when you're looking after children in particular, then is to try and instill these habits. It's something that we talk about quite a lot, isn't it now, can you get it completely 100 percent right? Of course you can't, because these are human beings with their own emotions, habits and things that make them tick and so on.

[00:08:29] But we can try. And it's really important to try, you know, if you don't try, then they're never going to get it. But if you do try and keep trying to instill these good habits in them. then there's a chance that it might stick. And so make sure that they understand the principle of declutching from a very early age, you know, three, four years old, you know, when they're saying, Oh, you know, I want this father Christmas to bring me this.

[00:08:52] Well, what's going to leave the house so that father Christmas can bring something else in. You know, what children are you going to give your things to so that they can enjoy them now that you stop finish playing with them and things like that. So it's super important, isn't it, when you're looking after children, you have a responsibility, in my opinion, to teach them these good habits so that takes them forward, forwards in life.

[00:09:13] Ingrid: Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's also, you know, when they go and get a bit, a bit more dependent, uh, independent when they get a little bit older, it's like, Instead of you kind of give me the list of things you need, you have a look and see what you have and then tell me what you don't have and what we need to organise here.

[00:09:30] And can you do this yourself? Do you, do I need to be involved? Teach them how to think ahead. So, okay. School is starting, uh, for example, in two weeks time. Have you tried on your clothes recently, so you make sure that everything's still fitting if you do this now and not, it's all those kind of start to think ahead a little bit, what's coming, what can we do now, so we don't have that stress later, but it's all about a combination of being organised yourself.

[00:09:58] So if you are a last minute kind of person, your kids probably are as well. So I think work on yourself first, so you can then teach those good habits to your children. 

[00:10:08] Lesley: So now we've successfully decided, Ingrid, that pets and kids are two completely separate things with different needs. Let's talk about pets and what their needs are and how we need to organise them.

[00:10:18] Ingrid: Well, I think for me, the first thing that you need to organise with... Especially dogs is of course to walk them. Who is going to do that? Who is responsible? Can you, do you realize that out of all the dog, um, the, the walking that a dog needs to be done with a dog, you actually can't make two or three of them because everybody's at school network.

[00:10:38] Do you need to organise a dog walker or somebody that can take care of them while you are away? That is, I think the most crucial part with a pet, but like I said, I don't have a dog. So, but I'm, that seems to me the thing that's kind of super important. Yeah, and 

[00:10:53] Lesley: I think you have to be one step ahead in terms if you want to go on holiday and the dog needs to go into kennels, then I think you have to be super organised to make sure you get that slot and then there's things, kind of immunizations and stuff that you need to do before they go into kennels that everyone's gonna be like, Oh my God, I can't believe she doesn't know that kennel cough and stuff like that, that I've heard from my dog loving friends.

[00:11:14] So you need to be organised in terms of that to make sure that your dog can. Go to a kennel or something like that so that you can then go on holiday. You don't want that to stop you from going on holiday, you know, because that would be crazy, wouldn't it? But yeah, you need to think about food, which is quite straightforward.

[00:11:29] But my experience really with pets is that people, they're normally a little bit higher on the list than kids, generally. They tend to be looked after. Kids can kind of make do, pets can't. And so people tend to be typically quite organised when it comes to their 

[00:11:43] Ingrid: pets. Yeah, I think you need to make sure, you know, they're in good health.

[00:11:48] And, I mean... So many people absolutely love their pets. I think maybe even more than themselves, even Lesley. And you know, I think, you know, grooming, taking care of them. It's just super important, but it's all stuff that has to be done. So if you do have a pet or are considering taking a pet or buying a pet or getting a pet, I don't know how that works, please make sure that you do.

[00:12:15] understand the ramifications of getting an animal in your house and what needs to happen to make sure that the well being of the animal is is is Put a high up the list.

[00:12:26] Lesley: 

[00:12:26] So welcome back after our little break. Now we've talked about kids. We've talked about pets and what you need to do to manage those and the kind of things that are involved in taking care of them. And now we're going to talk about

[00:12:45] I'm going to be very dependent, of course, on where they are in their individual situation. It might be that if you've got a parent or grandparent close by that they need nothing more than companionship and well being. And so they need visits from you and so on. Of course, that needs to be scheduled into your week as well.

[00:13:02] But that goes without saying. But it could be that. You want to do a little bit more for them, or need to do a little bit more for them. So the kinds of things that I'm talking about in the first instance are financial. So it may be that you need to help them along the way with paperwork and finance and everything that comes along with living at home.

[00:13:22] And so it may be that it goes one step further and you actually need to manage that for them without them being involved. So you might have what we term in the UK a power of attorney where we completely manage everything to do with their household or financial or health affairs. And so this is going to take a lot of work because this is almost like a whole nother person and a whole nother household that you then need to manage.

[00:13:45] So how do you keep on top of that kind of 

[00:13:47] Ingrid: thing then Ingrid? Well, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm listening to you Lesley while, while you were chatting and I thought. It creeps up over time, doesn't it? It's hardly ever that you suddenly go, okay, I didn't do anything for my parents or for my relatives. And now I do everything.

[00:14:05] It just kind of builds over time and slowly but surely. And it maybe starts first with, Oh, I need some help with some DIY because I'm feeling a bit unstable on the ladder, or, Ooh, it's a bit too much to go to the local supermarket and do a weekly shop and carry it all home. It gets too heavy. And then it kind of over time, it just changes and grows.

[00:14:28] And I think that's something we might not always realize, you know, because in our eyes, our parents or relatives are still these young people. We forget that they, that while we get older, they do too, don't we? 

[00:14:43] Lesley: Yeah, it kind of flips around on its head and you kind of then become the carer. That's the thing.

[00:14:47] And I think a lot of certainly with my own dad, I think it's not, you know, as I said, my, my dad and my father in law are fiercely independent, of course, can manage their own lives, but there's just little things that you kind of need to nudge them on a little bit. This is what I'm finding. So of course, it's like me, you know, I'm in my fifties.

[00:15:03] I still feel like I'm in my twenties and I'm sure that they still feel like they're in the thirties or forties, you know? And so you become a little bit in denial about. things. And so little things like your hearing going or you're not quite, you know, you kind of, Oh, are they still good to drive? You know, all those kinds of things.

[00:15:19] And maybe sometimes you need to give that little nudge. This is hard stuff. Let me tell you when you're talking about an independent person, but you're going to be the one, the bad guy then that delivers that news that you think perhaps something needs to change in terms of their independence or the way that they are going through their lives.

[00:15:36] And I think that's where it's hard. And that's when that relationship then shifts. into you then becoming the parent and then a little bit becoming the child. And that does absolutely change, come and shift over time. And that's the hard thing, I think, isn't it, with taking care of others. And as you say, it will evolve, absolutely.

[00:15:56] And so at first it might be a few little things. And as things start to slide and as the aging process sadly takes hold, then there might be more and more that you need to do over time. And you need to find a way to incorporate that. in your life. I mean, obviously for a lot of people, they're full time carers, you know, so that's taken it to the whole other degree, hasn't it?

[00:16:15] Yeah. 

[00:16:16] Ingrid: Yeah. And for me, you know, I, I, of course, because I'm here in the UK and all my family's in the Netherlands, I can't help my mom with these day to day things. I mean, she, she always kind of makes me laugh a little bit when she says, Oh yeah, because these old people, I'm like, mom, you're 79. You're going to be 80 next But, and with something, she's super independent.

[00:16:37] She's still, you know, still allowed to drive. She's just been allowed to have an extension again of five years of her driving license. Uh, her shopping is still old. She's still cooking, but she did downsize last year because the garden was getting too much. The, the stairs in my, in my childhood home, we're just getting too much as she downsized to an apartment.

[00:16:57] And it was mainly now that she needs help with. Computery things like tech with filling in forms on the internet. She still finds that really, really hard. So that is something that we really help with. And my sister helps with, and I try to kind of do my bit by calling her on a regular basis and chatting to her and talking what's going on and all of those things.

[00:17:17] So, but I can see that over time. And I remember when, when I was young and my mother was trying to take care of my grandmother. who was getting dementia and then of course was swearing that, uh, uh, uh, that she didn't know and that she couldn't remember and that we never told her. And my mom being very upset going, but I did tell you on the phone, you know, it's all these things.

[00:17:38] It triggers a lot of memories as well. Doesn't it? It 

[00:17:42] Lesley: does. I mean, this is probably one of the hardest things that we have to do. So the practical side of things, actually. It's one of the easier things, but that's the thing that you need to find time in your day or your week for, isn't it, you know, getting the shopping for them, sorting through their bank, um, statements, you know, you've got to do things that, you know, that it might get to a stage where you've got to watch what's going on in terms of their spending.

[00:18:03] spending to make sure that, you know, things that just things happen, you know, people take advantage, advantage of elderly people and you need to keep on top of what's going on and make sure that they're not being taken advantage of. It's hard. This is hard. You know, taking care of elderly relatives, obviously there's a lot of joy involved in it as well.

[00:18:21] And that's what you want to do. And you want to do your bit because they have done that for you, but it's not easy on top of everything else. You know, a lot of us are. You know, we've got full time jobs. We might have kids of our own at home that we've got to deal. We've got our own stuff going on. And then we throw into the mix on one parent or two parents or four parents possibly in your, you know, if there's, if there's, um, you and your partner's parents still around, you know, so this is, you know, It's a lot to deal with, but we need to work out how to do that and factor it into our week and make sure that it's not sending us over the edge as well.

[00:18:54] Yeah. 

[00:18:55] Ingrid: Yeah. Because it's not just kind of all only getting a bit of groceries. It's at some point you're taking care of a whole other people's home and all of their administration and all their paperwork and their appointments. And it's incredible impact. And especially when people are downsizing or going into into a care home.

[00:19:16] That whole house needs to be sorted out, you know, if you're by yourself, I mean, that, that you know that you're going to have to spend a lot of time doing that if you're on the other hand of brothers and sisters, either close by or far away, it's really important to start that dialogue as well, not only with your parents and say, okay, how is this going to happen?

[00:19:34] How do we see who you would, would you like to be involved in what, but also with the brothers and sisters amongst yourselves. What can we expect from each other? 

[00:19:44] Lesley: Yeah, and that's if it's a sensible dialogue and quite often it's not because this is again, this is very emotive, you know, people have got very different relationships with their parents, people have chipped in in different ways.

[00:19:55] And, and so these kinds of conversations are hard conversations to have, you know, trying to decide, you know, even if, if somebody has gone into a, into a care home or. or even passed away. You know, these things are very difficult conversations to have because everyone's got different ideas about how that should look.

[00:20:12] So you're absolutely right. Trying to preempt that kind of thing is really helpful. Trying to have these conversations when you still can, trying to get your parents involved in these conversations and understanding their wishes as well. And this might be funeral arrangements. It might be financial planning.

[00:20:27] Once they go, what do they want to happen to all these things? And, you know, we are big advocates as well. Aren't we, Ingrid, with Sentimental items with spending the time while you can with your parents to go through their belongings and to sort out what to work out what the stories are, what's truly special so you can determine a very early stage what gets passed down the line and what the, what the nature of that thing is, you know, and if you don't know the story that sits behind it, to you, it's not special.

[00:20:56] And that's when we find it very difficult then, isn't it Ingrid, to decide if we are faced with 27 boxes of things belonging to our parents and we end up bringing them home because we're not sure. What's special and what's not and so if you can do that before it gets to a critical point, that's much better So that's something that we are huge fans of and it really works quite well, isn't it Ingrid?

[00:21:19] Ingrid: Yeah I think a lot of people are afraid to have these conversations because they think if we talk about this they might think that we wish Wish something bad upon them to happen But on the other hand, I think it is so important to see this as a very Positive conversation to kind of go, I really want to do good by you.

[00:21:37] I want to take, be able to take the right steps. And if you're going to leave me in the dark about what your wishes are, then I really would like to know what would make, would make you happy. And I think, yeah, those are definitely not easy conversations. That's for sure. Yeah. And I think, 

[00:21:57] Lesley: you know, the hard thing, like, you know, we spent a whole podcast saying this is hard, whether it's kids, it's stressful, pets kind of easier, um, elderly relatives are difficult.

[00:22:06] And the reason why it's difficult is because it's not your things. It's not your things. It's not your stuff. It's not your emotions. It's not your home. And so that's why it's difficult because all of a sudden you are responsible for decluttering and organising somebody else's things. Now Ingrid and I, again, Often say, or always say, don't declutter somebody else's things without their agreement, but sometimes you have to, and this is one of those instances, isn't it?

[00:22:31] So that's why this is probably one of the hardest things that you'll do. It's okay when it's hard, well, I say it's okay, but sometimes it's hard enough decluttering and working through your own emotions with your own attachment to stuff, never mind trying to think about somebody else's emotions and what they would want.

[00:22:46] That's why this is hard, isn't it? So Ingrid, have we got any good news? That's the important thing. And we got, this is quite kind of a little bit of a You know, difficult podcast to record, but have we got any good, positive things to talk about to our listeners? Yeah, I 

[00:23:01] Ingrid: believe so. I think, um, especially, I mean, going back to the kids, you know, if you take the time to teach them these good habits.

[00:23:11] The hard work does pay off. It does pay off. Sometimes not in completely the way how you expect it, but all those little habits, you instill those good kind of solid things like this is what you need to do. And someday you go, Oh, actually they've done it without me asking it or prompting you or, and you see that they understand that kind of.

[00:23:30] Why it was so important for you and they're like, Oh, and you see them doing it. And that's like, yes, success here. 

[00:23:38] Lesley: But there, there also might be a little bit where that, Oh, did they not meet me anymore? 

[00:23:43] Ingrid: How did you do 

[00:23:44] Lesley: that without me? Why do you not need me anymore? So, yeah, it works both ways. And of course, I think.

[00:23:52] With, with relatives going through their life story on their life's possessions is such a special thing. And it's something we've seen quite happen quite a lot within our membership isn't it Ingrid with people that are doing that with their parents after sort of being in the membership for a while going through their own things I think you know what we need to do that with my parents stuff and enjoying that process so much and so it can be very powerful, very lovely.

[00:24:17] You know, we need to spend the time we talk right at the beginning of this podcast about well being and companionship. So this is all about really with elderly relatives and enjoy that time. Don't let it all be about the chores and the things that need to happen. You know, if you get things ticking over, if you work out how you're going to do these.

[00:24:32] things. If you split that those chores up amongst your family, if that's possible, then that means that you can enjoy that very special time that you've got with those elderly relatives. So I think that's the positive thing that comes. If you get it right, then nice things can happen. 

[00:24:48] Ingrid: Yeah. I think so too.

[00:24:50] I think we, we, I think we only. Pick up on certain stories of their lives, and there's a whole list of things that has happened before we came about and before, and we lose that family information, I think, because there's never enough time to do the talking, I think, but when When you do get that time, it is so satisfying.

[00:25:12] And then I think you, you understand much more about their lives and why they are the way they are. And I think that is super interesting. So listeners, are you, have we made you think with this podcast? Have you kind of thought, Oh, that is me. I'm in the same position. Either you already. Well, into taking care of other people, or maybe you're like, yes, I'm on the cusp.

[00:25:32] This is, I feel this is going to happen to me or to us over the next couple of years. And have we made you realize that it's something that you can prepare for a little bit just to kind of iron out those difficulties in the beginning, have some conversations now to kind of go, how do you see this happening?

[00:25:48] So that's our aim, that we are helpful to you with what we do. Share with you in our podcasts, so we really appreciate you being here next week's podcast is going to be a very nice one because I'm going to talk to a lady who single handedly and then got loads of help, but single handedly set up a food bank and had lots of volunteers to help her and she's got a completely successful food bank now and she helps Tons of families to make sure that they have food in their pantries too.

[00:26:20] So I'm so inspired and I'm really glad that she's on this podcast. So that's coming up next week. Thanks for being here and we'll see you soon.
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