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Episode 96 – Decluttering after someone has died

Decluttering after someone has died is an incredibly difficult thing to do for so many reasons. We are often urged to tackle it before we are ready or sometimes we leave it too long. In this podcast, we discuss when is the right time to tackle a project like this.

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Transcript of this podcast episode

Intro  0:07  
Welcome to today's episode of The declutter hub podcast, your channel for super easy, no nonsense advice on how to declutter and organise your home. Please welcome your host professional organisers, Ingrid Jansen, and Lesley Spellman.

Ingrid  0:31  
Hello, and welcome listeners to Episode 96 of the Declutter Hub Podcast. I'm Ingrid. And I'm Lesley. If you have clutter and want to sort it out, this is the show for you. In today's episode, Lesley and I are talking about decluttering a home after a bereavement. Now, decluttering a home after a bereavement is one of the hardest things to do. And everyone deals with their grief in different ways. Some people start to declutter because it will keep them busy, and they've got something to do in a situation that is out of their control, while others can't even face it, sometimes after years, and there is no right or wrong way. Is there, Lesley?

Lesley  1:14  
No, absolutely not. And I think, you know, we we obviously, within our day to day work, we work with people who have been bereaved all the time. And it's so hard. It's one of the hardest things for us to manage as well as professional organisers, isn't it because we need to be guided by them in terms of timescale. So there's, there's different things that you need to do when when you've lost someone. So there's the administrative things. And as you rightly said, a lot of people use that administration period, you know, that period just after someone's died, where you have to change addresses and send death certificates, often closed bank accounts, and, and plan a funeral. All those kinds of things are almost diversionary tactics, which to be fair, do get a lot of people through, you know, the amount of people that say, I was glad to be busy, because it stopped me from thinking about it too much and ruminating on it, which is in case of itself, whether that's a good thing, but that's certainly what a lot of people do. But that's the kind of thing that we can't avoid, we have to do that that has got a timescale attached to it hasn't that

Ingrid  2:17  
there are so many heightened emotions, what you have to deal with after bereavement. And decluttering is just one part of that big circle of things that needs to happen. But it is such a hard thing to do. And it's part of the process as well. But it's just there's no right or wrong time. And everybody does everything in their own timescales, don't they?

Lesley  2:41  
Yeah, because it's different to declutter in your own house. Because when you declutter your own house, there's a positive benefit that comes from that, you know, you know, that actually, your home's going to operate better, and things like that. But when you're decluttering, whether it's you don't, you might may have lost somebody that's in your in your own house as well. So it's not just other people's houses. But when you're decluttering, someone else's belongings, there's no positive that comes with that at all. It's a task that needs to be done. And so by its nature, it's very, very difficult to motivate yourself to do that. Now, in certain situations, there is a timescale involved in, let's call it standard decluttering. So decluttering of someone's belongings, because a house may need to be sold for an estate. And that brings with it a timescale, which is really, really tricky. Because this will undoubtedly be for most people highly premature, they will not be ready to face those emotions with someone that's very dear to them. And the bottom line is, if you're the one that's sorted out, belong in someone's house, that's someone that was very close to you. And so people are not ready. But they're forced to do that too early than certainly I would normally suggest. So if people call me after a bereavement, and say, I want you to come and help me sort things out, I try to push it back a little bit and say, Are you absolutely ready to do it in your own time? Because you shouldn't really make any rash decisions about anything, when you're at this heightened state of grief.

Ingrid  4:09  
Yeah, and I think, you know, with a house sale and shorting out in the States, I think you've even got a little bit more time. I mean, if a house is rented, or for example, I mean, I'm from Holland, as most of our listeners know, if somebody lives in like an old person's home and passes away, that rule needs to be cleared normally within a couple of days, because space is, you know, so valuable that they've got such a waiting list for other people to move in an old person's home. They really need that room back within days or if it's a rental property you normally get maybe a couple of weeks grace, but then they want the new tenants to move in. So there's that those timescales are even shorter, so you have to really move quickly, while sometimes people aren't ready for that at all.

Lesley  4:58  
And so that then brings is weather the sort of standard scenario where people say, I'm not ready to go through these belongings and make decisions on them. So what I'm actually going to do is I'm going to put everything in a box, I'm going to bring it to my own house, and I'm going to deal with it when I am ready. And then it sits in a room, sometimes for months. Often for years, the amount of people that we work with are still got things from people that may have lost in their homes, or boxed up in laughs in rooms taking over their own spaces. It happens a lot, doesn't it?

Ingrid  5:29  
Yeah. Or it ends up in a storage unit somewhere in a storage locker, because they can't have it in their own house, because they need to create space first to be able to sort it so it gets put in a storage locker somewhere. But at one point, it's like when do you ever find the right time to start doing that job, the grief is sometimes still so, so close that it takes some people years, but sometimes they're going to end up having to empty that storage locker and then move everything to their own home. And and sort it through. And that's, that's, that's gonna be a very tricky process.

Lesley  6:07  
So we've got two scenarios here. Yes, we're dealing with administrative matters as a matter of course, and we have to deal with those on an ongoing basis, or we may be forced into a short timescale with the house has got to be sold, or if a room or a house has got to be vacated because it's rented. And we then potentially brought that stuff back to our own houses to sort out there. Or then of course, we've got a situation where there is no timescale involved. And we can do it at our own leisure or within an let's call it an appropriate time scale or a longer time scale. So what do we do then in grades? We've got a little bit more time, how do we actually tackle someone's belongings? How do we go about that?

Ingrid  6:48  
Oh, Lesley, I think you need to figure out what you think might be easier for you. To start with, you know, if you know, for example, there's a lot of sentimental items that you know, will be very special to you. That's not the starting point, I think you probably want to start with areas in the home or items of the person that might be easier for you to deal with. And that is different for any everybody. So for one person, they might think themselves, you know what the clothes are not going to be difficult for me to do, because they're when maybe the close of my mom or dad, I don't have any special memories, I find probably the photo albums or the crockery or the special things more difficult, then you probably want to start somewhere, like with clothes, or in the kitchen or with food or things like that, which then makes it easier for you to deal with. And you kind of build it slowly, but surely you build it up.

Lesley  7:55  
So we certainly have worked in homes where someone has asked us to go in and clear the property of someone that has passed away. In the instance that I'm thinking about now it was someone's mom. And they knew already that they weren't going to keep any of her let's call them day to day belongings. So any of her clothes, any of the kitchen stuff, and you've had books, that kind of thing. But they said to us at that time, these are the kinds of things once we get to jewellery, and more sentimental things, keep those to one side, and then we'll go through them together. So one of our colleagues a few years ago, use the term sensitive house clearance, which I think it absolutely is. So it's not housecleaning from a house clearance company where they just come in and get rid of everything. This is having some professional organisers who understand the value of certain things in terms of their sentimentality to others, and pull those things to one side. So that you can then look through them but don't make you go through the very difficult process of touching item of clothing after quote, then after to close with humans, which just is very, very hard. And if you can take that bit out of the equation, and outsource it to someone else. That's also something to think about. And a lot of people wouldn't be comfortable doing that and would want to tackle it themselves. I suppose it's going through there with a goal and saying, What do I want to achieve out of this? And what is truly special about my mom, my dad's my husband, my wife, it could be a child, it could be anybody. So what kinds of things do I feel that I'm actually going to want to keep to remind me of them, which is what it's all about. There may be things obviously a value in terms of, you know, household items that have got value as well, and that might be possible. So you really need to work out what your goal is and go in with a set goal. One of the other things that's really hard, obviously, is quite often when we're clearing house up, particularly if it's a mum or dad, quite often the whole family's involved and that brings with it a whole other raft of emotions and tensions and arguments sometimes, and that can be really tough because people got very different ideas about who should have what and what should go where, and what should happened to this stuff, you know, people we know more than anybody. People have got different relationships with staff and what's, you know, one person's trash is another person's treasure. And to get a whole family of people together trying to do the the clearance, let's call it or sorting through the belongings is also hugely traumatic as well, then you've got tensions because one person's left with it, and the other people are not doing it. So it causes family tensions as well, doesn't it?

Ingrid  10:25  
Yeah, I think so. I think you're completely right. I mean, everybody's got a different agenda. And everybody has a different relationship with a person that's passed away. So for every one different items, or importance, and what you normally see is somebody taking charge, trying to juggle a lot of balls, and then the other people like, but we want to be involved too, or other people want to also be at the helm. And wow, then lots of things can can go wrong. And I think it's really important to communicate really clearly, with the people who are involved in the sorting through to go okay, what can we What's the common ground, we can agree upon? What are the items that we all agree upon, for example, that can go and we need to find good homes for it? And where is it going to go? And what are the items that are more difficult, and we need to maybe discuss at greater length. And of course, if you have a bit more time, that can be really, really helpful. On the other hand, sometimes families don't want to be involved at all, and burden it all on one person to sort it all out. But then that person feels that they're constantly juggling the guilt of am I doing the right thing with all this stuff? And then later, can people say yeah, but you never evolved us? And it's like, but you never asked me to be involved. And it can get really, really tricky. So you know, it's, it's not it's, we know why this is hard, Lesley, and we know why we get calls. Yeah.

Lesley  11:58  
Even talking about it is stressful, you know, because you, because of those raise the emotions, it's so difficult. And as I said, because there's no, there's no positive endpoint. This is sad. This is really it's really sad to to dismantle someone's life, which is what you're effectively doing. Yeah, it's a job that needs to be done. Yeah, it's a job that can bring joy, you know, so it certainly can, it does have moments where you see things and have fond memories. And so but it's about extracting the quality, then from what's left behind to make sure that you can retain those memories long term. But the way that you feel six weeks after you've lost someone, and the way that you feel 16 years after you've lost someone tends to be very, very different. And that's why we have to do this at a time that suits us. We can't do it on someone else's timescales. There's so many people as well who can have the feel as if they're under pressure to do something people that it's time, if a wife has lost her husband, there's sometimes there's pressure from friends from family to say, It's time now you need to take that you need to get rid of his clothes or that kind of thing, and they feel under pressure from other people. But if you're not ready, you're not ready. There's no one way to do this. And you have to be completely ready. And as long as it's not stopping you from continuing on with what you need to do. Now when you're home, then do it in your own time is what I say.

Ingrid  13:23  
Yeah, for sure. I think grief has got so many different levels for different people. And some people like for example, we did the podcast with Julia and she really quickly after her husband passed away, wanted to clear some that because all this stuff just cluttered up her brain and she couldn't think clearly. And she was really ready quite quickly to clear some of the belongings in her house. But then she did a second phase A year later, and she did another face another year later. So should we did a really phased approach, but actually quite quickly after and in the end, it was a good three or four months before we actually started working together. But she was in that frame of mind that you want to do with what other people sometimes can't face it for years because it may be was really traumatic time or a lot of other things happened around that time. And it takes people a long time to be able to kind of almost short those feelings in their head and in their heart and kind of go now Gosh, it's been eight years but now maybe I'm feeling ready to take the first little step or gosh, I this stuff has been in this cupboard for 20 years and I feel for the first time i i can open that cupboard and starting to look at this and other people say after three months. You know what? I think I'm going to feel better if I start to do this now and do a little bit over time but I don't want to leave put it away for years and know that it's there. You Yeah, this is definitely a case of not one size doesn't fit all, for sure.

Lesley  15:07  
Definitely, definitely just my own experiences of grief as well. You know, you deal with it in your own way, you know, you really do deal with it in your own way. And consequently, you have to deal with other people's things in a way that seems right to you. There's definitely no right or wrong way. You know, when you hear stories of things, as you said before, sometimes there's trauma in rooms, you know, rooms that people have to clear out something traumatic may have happened in that room, and people are not even comfortable to go in the room. You know, so it's, there's so many things at play. It's really, really, really hard. I mean, last week's podcast with Josephine. So for her aunts that have passed away in a doubt that was downsizing, she then had to be involved in claiming the family home. So if you've not listened to last week's podcast, Josephine is one of our VIP members. And she's she's talking all the time, isn't she about still managing her aunts and her dad stuff that's really useful because she was very organised in the way that she did it. And the way that she involved other family members, and certainly in the way that she involved her dad in the decision making as well. It's thinking how to downsize from a five bedroom to a two bedroom, which is a big downsize. And of course, when you downsize and a lot of those decisions are taken away from you just because of space.

Ingrid  16:18  
So yes, Lesley episode 95 is absolutely brilliant to listen to. And it actually reminded me of the time when my mum started sorting through a lot of the belongings in her house, because at one point, my dad was really, really ill. And he actually, we thought he wasn't going to make it. So I actually dropped everything, and drove to Holland from London kind of overnight, because I thought he's not going to make it. And that time, my mum was home a lot. And she, she always likes to keep being busy. And she actually used that time to sort through some of their their lifelong possessions. And they don't even have a really full house. But she was like, him being so poorly. And she was herself not very well for a while. And it kind of almost within confront her. My mother is a super practical person. She's always like, Ingrid, she's, she's, I don't know if she's because it's Dutch, or it's her personality, but she's like, Yeah, we get born. And at one point, we pass away, that is life she's so practical about is. So she was like, well, your father being so ill and me being so please made me realise that we're actually all getting older now. And I want to sort through some of this stuff, well, I still have the time and I feel good about it. And I have the mental capacity and still have the body to carry in and look through and I can see everything properly. And she's done a lot of clearing out in her house. And I just let her be because I thought I'm grateful to her that she wanted to do that herself. Not because I just think to myself, Oh, it will be less work for me, because my sister and I are both very organised. And we're going to take good care of it all at one point in the future when they do pass away. But I think to myself, I'm just really grateful for her that she had the time and the inclination to look through all of those belongings and to enjoy those moments and to figure out what's most important, and she already gave, for example, she gave us some jewellery that belonged to my grandmother, she already gave some to me and to my sister, because she thought I want to give that now and not later, when you don't know any more that it was important or that it was your grandmother's or something like that. So she's kind of she's she's a bit ahead of the game a bit ahead of the game.

Lesley  18:48  
And I think that's absolutely the ideal scenario, isn't it at the moment that if you feel brave enough, is a tough conversation to have. But if you can be open and honest about the fact that particularly if it's your parents, that there is an inevitability that at some point, they will pass. And you can have those conversations now in advance of that, to understand what kinds of things in their home are really valuable, what are really special, what they would like each individual family member to have, once they've passed, those kinds of things are going to make it so much easier for you to sort things out after they've gone. But it's not easy to have a conversation because we don't want to come from the fact that that's going to happen, do we?

Ingrid  19:29  
It was very interesting, because at that time when she was doing this, this whole this book came out about Swedish death cleaning. And the lady wrote that apparently in Sweden once people get into their 50s they slowly but surely start to clear out their house. So when my mother started doing this, I kind of said to her Have you read this book and she went I've got no idea what you're talking about. But I think this is a very sensible thing to do. And I was like, Well, yes it is mom. Yes it is. But I thought it triggered her and maybe I thought she made me read about it in the in the newspaper, but it was just something that you thought I'm going to do this now, because I've got the time I want to do this. I don't want to leave Ingrid and her sister with all this stuff to go through. And it was just very, very for me, I think it was just, I'm glad she did that. I'm really glad she did that.

Lesley  20:17  
I'm not going alive in your 50s you got to start doing realise you've got to start 2050s That seems a tad premature. I know, we never know when we're gonna go. But I might I really I've got to start preparing already. Because I was thinking it was in your soul, you know, 70s or 80s? In your 50s. I was like, upset me. No, no, no, but nevermind. Just one other thing that I wanted to mention, actually, before we finish was, I've been going through all my sentimental stuff recently. And I'm now at the stage where I'm starting to read letters. And so this week, my mom passed away 15 years ago, and this week have been so I counted all of her letters together. And most of these letters come from when I was about 20. So 30 years ago when I was kind of at university and abroad and things. So I've got a lot of letters. So I gathered them all together, I thought I want to read all my mom's letters together. And it's been really an interesting thing to do, because you have your memories of what they were. And obviously, it's 15 years since she's passed. But then that was a long time ago even before that. But to read letters and to read the insights of someone's mind at that point is really interesting, because there are things within it that you can't remember, you know, so it really does a slightly straight back into that relationship that you had before, which in some ways is really, really lovely. But the one thing that it kind of highlighted to me I've not finished them yet is that there's a potential for negative things to come from that. So if also, if there was anything contentious or whatever way you fell out or anything like that, maybe those kinds of things need to be left in the past. It's interesting, actually, because I had a conversation with my dad, because he was round. And so I said, Oh, you know, I've been reading all my mom's letters. And I'm my dad is like super practical and things. And I just said, is it something that you'd because it's obviously a lot of things in there about oh, man, you gotta go into here this week. And we've just done this. And there's I find it really interesting, because it's almost like a chronicle of what people have been doing with their time. So I said to my dad, would you like to read the letters, and he thought about it and just said, You know what, I really don't want to read them. Because I just want to retain the memories that I've got in the way that I've got them at the moment. So I think that's really interesting as well, because and that's, that's more of a sentimental project, you know, because she's she passed away a long time ago. And I'm still I'm just about getting around to looking at them. Now. Obviously, at the time, I decided I was going to keep them. And now this is this phased approach. Now I feel that I can like some go, but I am keeping quite a lot of them to be fair. But we were talking Well, before we came on about, certainly within the Swedish death cleaning idea. There's a suggestion that if you are preparing, if you're doing this kind of sounds a bit morbid. Well, it is it's really morbid to prepare things for when you have past that you if there was anything that you consider to be private, that you put them in a box and you mark it up to say, don't read this, this is my private stuff. You know, I mean, so you want to keep diaries and letters and things like that while you're alive. But you don't want anybody else to read them once you're gone. So that's interesting, isn't it? What do you think Ingrid,

Ingrid  23:20  
talking about has made me think that I've got a box up, I'm looking up to you. Our listeners can't see this. But I'm looking up to the cupboard next to me in the top there, there's a box with some letters, and your sentimental items. And you're kind of sorting through has made me think that I need to get this book done and have a look, I think I had a pen pal at some point. And there's cards in there letters from when I was in America when I was young, and when my mother would want us to write to me. And it's made me think, shall I take this down and have a look through Because indeed, that's really personal stuff. I don't know if I would want anybody else to go through, I don't think there's anything spectacular or something in it or something that's a deep hidden secret. But still, you know,

Lesley  24:04  
I think it's more, you know, what I picked up from my mom's letters was the kind of the really, the interesting parts of the relationship. And you know, how she regarded me at that time in my early 20s. You know, it was just after I'd left home, so it was really, that we're really missing you and you don't then you look back. And you know, I was probably a selfish teenager, basically, I think that's, but now we'll look back and think, oh, you know, she's this age that I was now and you know, to send you, my I'm an only child to send your own child off to university is a huge range, you know, and to understand now what she was going through, whereas I probably didn't give a second thought when I was 20. Do not to mean and so it's things like that, really, I think it's really interesting, but I think proceed with caution is what I would say, because you know, I had a good relationship with my mom. But if there is anything contentious, maybe it's not a route that you want to go down. So those are the kinds of things that you need to think about as well. And also this idea that I've got, I've been finding as well. Letters that Steve sent to me and my son's like, okay, When I read them, I'm like, No, you cannot. No, no, no, no. I don't want my 17 year old son having an insight into my 20 year old, you know, brain with a boyfriend at the time. I'm like, No, I don't think you'll be reading any of those. Thank you very much. So yeah, so quite a hard topic to discuss, but one that we were asked to discuss. So I hope that we've given a little bit of insight into what we would do. I think the conclusion is, it's really hard and there's no right or wrong way.

Ingrid  25:31  
Yeah. Yeah, take your time. Do it at your own pace, as much as you can. And hopefully, somebody that can support you can help you and to go through it. And we really hope this podcast has given you some food for thought and that you think yourself. Yeah, I want to think about this. And it's given me maybe also some validation of what how I feel why I feel it's so hard, and nobody understands why it's so hard. So hopefully, we've helped you with our podcasts and our insights. So we really appreciate that you've listened to this episode, and we hope that the last week's episode episode 95 was also a good for you. And we'll also definitely put Giulia Kirby's podcast in the show notes as well. And we've also got a checklist for if you need to move house if you need to swap things around your house. So we'll put that in the show notes and add that in the on the website as well for you, if you would like to use that if you need it. So thanks so much for taking the time to listen today. If you would like to get more handy tips and advice from let's say now you can find us in lots of places. We have a fast supportive Facebook group called to declutter our community, which is a great starting point and we are on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook to where you can find us at declutter hub. We'd love to see you there. Take a look at members of declutter hub.com To find out more about our VIP membership. If you don't want to miss the next episode, subscribe to the declutter health podcast, and it will pop into your notifications each Friday. We've been asking for some reviews, which makes a huge difference to us. So we hope that you've enjoyed today or any other podcast we'd love to for you to take a couple of minutes out of your day to leave us a review. So thanks so much for listening and see you next time.

Outro  27:32  
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For more support with decluttering after someone dies, you can read our blog post here...

DECLUTTERING AFTER SOMEONE DIES

When we have lost a partner, parent, child, or friend, grief overwhelms us so much that it is hard to make the simplest of decisions.

For some, busying ourselves with the practical things that need to happen when a loved one has passed can be a distraction, a way to focus on something other than the terrible sense of loss we are feeling. Focusing on practical tasks that need to be done for a funeral or a memorial can be a comfort to us during such a sad time.

But when things start to settle down, we are surrounded with the stuff of life that is left behind. Clothes, books, sentimental items, hobby items. They don’t belong to us, and we aren’t going to need them, but when should we start decluttering when someone dies? Is there a right time?

There Is No Right Time

Often, we feel under pressure from other family members to get rid of a loved one’s things before we are ready because people think ‘it’s time’. But it might not be the right time for you. Everyone grieves in different ways.

For some, memories are enough, and there is no need for a tangible object to evoke those memories. Others need time to be able to let go of precious things that have deep seated memories attached. Don’t be rushed.

Don't Make Serious Decisions When Grieving

Someone once told me you should never make a life changing decision when you are grieving, and I have always found that to be such great advice. Decluttering too soon after someone dies can be detrimental to our wellbeing.

Grief can do the strangest things to us and impact our rationale. Letting go of a loved ones belongings before you are ready can have a long lasting impact. You will know when it feels right.

When Deadlines Loom, Be Selective

Sometimes we do not have the benefit of time. Decisions and actions need to be made quickly. Properties need to be put up for sale, belongings have to be sold. Time pressure can be upsetting and unsettling.

So, we need to be selective with what we keep and create a plan to deal with it. It’s OK to store things in a box until you are ready, but be mindful that the sorting has to happen at some point. Out of sight is often out of mind, so be sure to keep the sorting firmly on your to-do list.

Try and Be Fair When Family Is Involved

Sorting through someone’s belongings is even more difficult when multiple members of the family are involved. People have differing ideas of what should be kept, who is entitled to what, and what is precious and what is not.

It can be one of the tensest times for a family. And it isn’t easy to navigate your way through it. Be mindful that everyone has had a different relationship with the person and try to be firm but fair. Everyone grieves in a different way.

Quality Over Quantity

The belongings of a deceased person are, by nature, sentimental. And the key to keeping things that evoke memories is to favour quality over quantity.

You don’t need every tie your husband owned. Nor do you need every piece of a 72-piece dinner set. You can relive the memory with one or two very special selections.

Share Your Stories

Many of the difficult situations mentioned above can be avoided by some careful pre-planning. To avoid confusion among your heirs, talk about your wishes while you are still able. Be clear in your will about who you would like to have what when you are gone.

Share the history of your memorabilia. Talk about who is who in photos so you can leave behind a history that will live on. Don’t be scared to plan for the inevitable, and your legacy will live on.

This article was first published on Sixty and Me on 24th October 2020. It can be found here https://sixtyandme.com/the-right-time-to-declutter-after-loss/

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